I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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