The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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