you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Please, let me fuck your mom
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
