I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize