Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
