new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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