just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
