When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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