im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
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