sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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