I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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