Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Randomize
