I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm sobbing to NWA
So I just went to clothing optional bar
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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