So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
