My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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