I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
