My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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