She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
