Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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