matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
