just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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