Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
