You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I just found a bag of teeth...
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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