Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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