the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
