Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I have already put on my inside pants.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize