you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize