I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
it's like iHOP with fire
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
