the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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