I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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