I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
