i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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