how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
