And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
