everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
