Already got asked if we're dating
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize
