So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
