i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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