i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
