Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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