boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
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