Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
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