you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
