I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
