You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
