go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
