I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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