I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
ttyl tear gas
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
