Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
