The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
