Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
