yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
