Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
