My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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