Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
