i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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