So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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